The Alone Diaries
by DanielIsNotMyName
Summary: A story where Nico is coping up with her life as a single woman, while planning ways on how to make Nishikino Maki hers again with a little help from her crazy friends. AU
1. Entry 0

**Entry #0: Alone but never lonely, or so I thought…**

**01/24/15**

**6:30 am**

I woke up unusually early again because of the annoying alarm clock my mom bought for me when she found out that I wanted to live alone. I stirred up and stared at the hideous alarm clock beside me, getting annoyed all over again because of my mother's weird taste. Just last month, I woke up to the sound of my beautiful ring tone coming from my oh-so-ever gorgeous phone. (Yes, I know I'm the only one who will ever refer to a phone as gorgeous). That ringtone of my mine never fails to make me wide awake, because I know she's calling (and she doesn't like it when I miss her calls even for the first time). When I meant "she", I'm referring to my now ex-girlfriend, Nishikino Maki, a gorgeous red-haired soon-to-be-doctor tsundere. We started dating when we were in high school, she's a freshman, and I'm a senior. The two of us met in an unusual way, but nonetheless, that never stopped us from being friends, and eventually falling for each other. Our relationship became strong throughout the years as we face countless of conflict that was caused by our personal differences. We were so in love with each other. But yeah, life's a bitch. After that 4-year love affair, she suddenly called it quits, dumping me on Christmas Eve, in the middle of our date, without even stating her reason why!

I'm Yazawa Nico, a drop-dead gorgeous law student at Tokyo University, and this is my story full of random events and other shenanigans; mainly, spending my life as a single woman, or even contemplating on how to make Maki mine again.

This tale is not for the narcissist haters! Please read at your own risk.

**XOXO,**

The ever-gorgeous Nico


	2. Entry 1

**Entry #1: How You Remind Me**

**01/24/2015**

**9:30 am**

Walking on the main entrance of the elite university I'm enrolled to, I can feel the stares of all the people I passed to. The stares weren't burning on my skin, since I know all of them took the time to stare at my dashing looks; the boys gawking at me, the girl envying at me. I'm flattered, thank you so much random students. Kidding aside, (wait, I'm not really kidding just so you know), I'm getting a feeling that these immense of suddenly popularity increase of mine has got to do with the bulletin board; the bulletin board that houses the list of Dean's Lister. Not to brag or something, but I'm proud to say that I'm a consistent Dean's Lister. Four years ago, I was having a hard time on my studies, having a hard time dealing with them and other shenanigans. But when I met Maki, I decided to take my studies seriously just so she can be proud of me. You see, she's a straight-A student with her family full of doctors and other professionals. While me? Oh my mother is just regular house wife, taking care of my younger siblings, while my father is a regular salary man. All things related to me are regular, so-regular, but not until I met her that everything seemed to be special what-not. She hurt me, torn my heart into many pieces when she left without saying her reasons, the main reason why I got gun-shy at dating without even knowing when will I tough up again. But then again, I thank her for indirectly changing me in many ways. Maybe I should offer myself as her personal lawyer once I graduate from law school and pass the board exams.

Continuing on walking around the campus, I saw familiar faces that shamelessly making out in front of the Dean's Office. The two of them, horny bastards that goes by the name Kousaka Honoka and Kira Tsubasa, were the two of ten annoying people I met as a high school student. Like me and Maki (and the other 8 mutual close friends we had), the two started going out as high school students. Like us, they often fight because of their personal differences. Like us, they truly love each other. But unlike us, never once they left each other's side without any reason why, they didn't even dare to leave each other. Sigh. I guess the common sayings you get to hear from the young adults are true. "When you're single, all you see is happy couples. And when you're taken, all you see is happy singles". But when I was still dating Maki, I don't even care about the happy singles around me, because I was happy that I'm taken by her. Okay, maybe I put on too much drama and stress on myself. I should be happy that I'm single now. No calls to take early in the morning, no calls to make in the middle of the night just because I was asked, no more overly-cheesy stuffs to do when in reality, I'm not romantic myself, no more drama queens to calm down (I do admit I'm a drama queen myself). But then again, as I face the morning, I realize once again what wakes me up is not her, but instead an alarm bell. All over again, I felt emptiness.

"Sigh…"

"Hey, why're you sighing for?"

Hearing the familiar voice, I turned around and saw another annoying person I met in high school. She's the same age as me, and is taking up Literature; former shrine maiden that goes by the name Toujo Nozomi, the main reason why me and Maki met and fell for each other (although Maki fell out of love already). Of all the people in our clique, Nozomi is the one who can tell lies from the truth, without even analyzing the statement all over again. She may be calm and kind inside and out, she's the most frightening of all. Even her girlfriend, another friend of ours named Ayase Eri, is so afraid of her once she goes serious.

"Nozomi…" I only manage to utter her name, didn't even bother to answer her question since I know she'll know it anyway, based on the expression painted on my face.

"Thinking of Maki? Sigh. Nicochi, it's been a month. I know that you're health is failing because you stay up late thinking of her. We all know that you love her, but think about yourself too" She engulfs me in a hug causing my head to get in between her boobs. I don't know what to feel. Should I cry because there is a kind friend like or, should I get annoyed because she's indirectly mocking me for having small tits?

"But Nozomi… Maki or nobody else at all…" I whined. Okay. You're all free to label me "hopelessly-in-love". I won't deny it because it's true.

"Nozomi?" I heard another familiar voice again, this time I need not to turn around since I know who will it be, and what reaction she's making. Teasing that person a little bit more, I snuggled even more to Nozomi, she seemed to get the message I'm trying to convey and snuggled back on me, as if we're two people in love.

"Nozomi… I-I thought I was the only one…You're not the type to cheat on me… I'm not good enough?!" As usual, the calm Ayase Eri that I knew will be a total wreck once Nozomi is in the picture. Oh gosh, teasing her seems to boost up my morale and my mood for some reasons. Ha! Ha! Ha!

"Oh come on Eri. Don't be such a drama queen. We all know Nozomi is into you, and you're SO into her. Rest assured she's faithful okay?" I tried to explain while holding back my laughter.

"She's right Ericchi~ now come here and kiss" and with that, the two of them started making out in front of me. Yuck. What a way to start my lovely day indeed. Sigh.

"Get a room you two!"

"Tell that to yourself, Honoka!"

**Same Day**

**12:30 PM (Tokyo University Lunch Hour)**

**Arts Building Rooftop**

The whole clique (except for Maki) is present by the time I got on the rooftop. To show our sisterhood will never wither, we all decided to eat lunch together every single day if possible. All of them were in their respective partners snuggle, Tsubasa and Honoka, Hanayo and Rin, Anju and Erena, Nozomi and Eri, and then there's Umi and Kotori in which their real state is currently unknown to us. For some reason, the past where Anju, Erena, and Tsubasa used to sneak outside of the school they were in just so they could eat lunch with us, who were technically in a different school than theirs. Past is a happy place indeed. But I don't what's wrong with me that I kept on thinking about the time I could never ever bring back again. Maybe Nozomi is right, I need to think of myself too.

"Say guys…" I tried to start a conversation

"What is it, Nico-chan?" Honoka asked. How I sometimes loved her leader-like attitude, the attitude that never lets anyone out of place.

"Do you happen to know a nearby lesbian bar?"

"What's with the suddenly question, Nico-senpai?" Koizumi Hanayo, a soft-spoken girl on the outside, fierce on the inside, answered my question with another question.

"Uhm you know. Maki problems. Hehe" I chuckled bitterly

"If you want a nearby lesbian bar, I suggest the one near in Waseda University." We all froze at Tsubasa's statement. Waseda University or any other place near that university is the place I will never ever visit. Why? Simply because I might cross-paths with Maki again. Yes, she attends Waseda University. Yes, I'm not ready to meet her even after all the whining I made to Nozomi. Yes, I'm a coward.

"Uhm Honey? Any other places you could recommend?"

"Honoka-babes, I would love to recommend other places but, those places are rather rough on edges"

"Tsubasa, give me the address of those rough on the edges"

"Ya sure? I won't guarantee your safety though"

"What safety?" my remarks earned lots of laughs coming from the clique, like the old times where I am the group-clown. But something is missing though; Maki often smacks my left arm whenever I make her laugh like crazy, but I don't feel any smacks anywhere.

"Nico-senpai, we were deeply hurt by you and Maki-senpai's breakup, so as much as possible we want you to cheer up Nya~" this little hyperactive girl right here is Hoshizora Rin, Hanayo's lover that never fails to paint a smile on her face. They seemed to remind me of me and Maki's early days as lovers.

"I know, and I'm thankful for that, guys" I put on my best smile to let them know that I'm okay. Even though I know that on the inside, I'm a total wreck because of her. Plus, getting dumped on Christmas Eve is not-so-happy right? I totally indulge the popularity I'm receiving in the whole campus because of my academic status but, deep inside I'm still empty. I know it's redundant but I will never stop saying that until I certain flame-head comes back to me.

**7:30 PM**

**Shinjuku**

I walked down towards the address that Tsubasa gave me regarding the gay bar she recommended. This is my first time hanging out by myself as a single woman (and my first time hanging out in a lesbian bar), for the mean time at least I needed to cope up with my single-lady status in case I don't think of ways how to make Maki mine again. Reaching a particular gay bar, I looked up the address to see whether I'm in the right place or not. Confirming that I am, I entered the bar and saw a couple of women dancing their hearts out, while the other is on the counter, getting some booze and others. Since this is my first time, I immediately went to the counter with my disguise on – a facemask and sunglasses – because I know, it will ruin my reputation in the University if someone happens to see me here and report me to the Dean. My 100% off scholarship will be at stake you know?

"Any recommendations?" I asked the bartender, who is obviously a lesbian

"Let's see, must be broken hearted aye?" she chuckled

"Yeah, won't ask for details why the hell did you know though…" I snorted

"Chill there. You might as well order Blue Hawaiian, lots of broken-hearted often order that here chum" she winked

"I'll take one then…"

As I waited for the bartender to give me my order, I mentally noted myself to enjoy my single-life while planning ways to make Maki mine all over again for the past minute. I'm the type of person to screw on the last minute so I better get the facts right even from the starting point. I remember the time me and Maki used to fight because of that attitude of mine, pathetic isn't it?

"Here ya go~ enjoy mending your broken heart~"

"Hey Ms. Bartender, how do you make someone fall for you again?" I asked after I drank the whole glass of drink

"Hey kid, drunk already?

"Of course not hahaha. So yeah answer me!"

"Make someone fall for you again? Enjoy yourself being single kid hahaha!"

"Hahaha!"

That night, I remembered all of my problems and enjoyed my life as a single-woman, this time, properly. I know I have long and winding road to walk before I could completely forget the red-haired woman who left me but, fooling around on the way isn't as bad as it thought right? Right. Tonight, I will enjoy accompanying myself while still thinking ways how to get a certain girl back to me. But for now, I need to end this entry in my **Alone Diary** as I became one with the night…

**XOXO,**

Still drop-dead-gorgeous Nico-chan


	3. Entry 2

**Entry #2: Blind Dates or Arranged Dates?**

"_Hey, what're you planning on for the next 5 years?"_

"_I told I will go to a law school right?"_

"_Why law school in particular? We have a hospital so it's understandable I'm going to a medical school after graduation"_

"_Honey, even without hospital, law firm or the others, it's not a reason to save and give meaning to someone else's life right? Just so you have a hospital, doesn't mean you have to go to a medical school. The most important is, you entered a medical school because you want so save lives and help people."_

"_You don't make sense"_

"_Haha~ my honey is blunt as ever~ I guess you're too young to understand complex things."_

"_Nico-chan, I'm already 15 years old, stop treating me like a kid"_

"_But you're still a kid. I mean, if you're not a kid, you wouldn't believe that Santa is real. Haha"_

"_Eh? Santa is not real?"_

"_O-Oopsie…Uhm no honey, Santa is real~ He's currently in North Pole, busy deciding what gift he will give you~"_

"_I thought so~ I've been nice throughout the year~"_

"_Hahaha, I love you Maki"_

"_I love you too~ now go buy me an ice cream~"_

"_Yes milady~"_

**1/27/2015**

**7:09 am**

**Nico's Apartment**

It's been two days since I went to a lesbian bar for the first time and drank some alcoholic drinks. It's also been two nights since I started dreaming about the past again, the ever-bittersweet past I had with Maki. If the smugly alarm clock didn't wake me up, I will never ever wake up again, not with the past on sight. But then I sighed, no need to dwell on the past, remember Nico that today is a gift, that's why it is called present. Sensing that I'm sober enough, I walked past the mirror. My reflection in the mirror is so empty, as if there's nothing there. There's no smile on my face. After waking up from the dream that was Maki, this morning of reality feels so empty. Good days and sad days; hard days and happy days. Now it becomes memories of the past. The me and Maki of the past are now over. It's like I came back to reality. My reason to live is gone, my head is complicated. When I open my eyes in the morning, my heart feels empty. I feel the emptiness, just like I did before I met Maki. Is it even possible for someone to even feel empty when her lover left her just like that? I guess I'm the only one feeling such way.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I went to take a bath; blow dried my hair, put on my corporal attire for the defense, and ate breakfast. It's kinda amazing how I did all of those in light speed (not really) and more importantly, without even thinking about how the past is better in the present again. After those shenanigans, I went outside to continue my journey on the way to the University. But then, I saw a certain blonde and a certain ginger waving their hands while leaning on a car. Wait; are they mocking me because I sold my car for stupid reasons 2 months ago? And yes, I did own a car once. It was a Toyota Aqua, the car that I bought with my life savings.

"Nico-chan~" Sigh. Honoka's cheerful voice is really getting on my nerves somehow. If they are really mocking me for not having a car now, they're adding alcohol to the wounds with their cheerful faces plastered.

"What's up? You guys seemed to be kinda early to visit me."

"Well, Nozomi told us that you're going to have a practice defense so yeah, we all decided to use my car to pick you up."

"Eri-chan is right. We all know you've been stressed for a while so yeah, we decided to pick you up." And here I thought they were mocking me, turns out they are helping me. I really need to get hold of myself with all these negative thinking. Since when did I become a pessimist? Oh right, since the time I've been coping up with being single. Is it bad for soon-to-be lawyer to be a pessimist? Maybe I should read more inspirational books.

"Now, Nico, get it." With their faces like that, how can I turn down with the ride they're giving me? I should be thankful because I saved today worth of fare money. I really need to save to buy a car again (I'm an idiot for selling it in the first place). While on the car, the ride was rather quiet than I expected, Eri focusing on the road, Honoka playing Clash of Clans, while me reviewing some other stuffs what-not. Every one of us seemed to have no plans to break the ice unless we're already in front of the campus. Then, Honoka spoke; she spoke words that sent chills to my spine.

"Kotori-chan saw Maki-chan while shopping for clothes in Shibuya. Around 7PM, she said. " Okay. That was rather a huge coincidence for them to meet in that particular time. Maki is the type to go straight home after school so yeah, I guess people change.

"I know your thoughts about it this Nico but, apparently Kotori said that Maki asked her regarding your well-being" This time, it was Eri's turn to speak.

"She left me in the first place yet, she's now asking how my well-being is? I don't know what to feel" I snorted

"Yeah, snort all you want Nico-chan, Kotori-chan told me that Maki even asked if you have a new girl or none with a disappointed face"

"What? Unexpected from her"

"Now you have an idea how to make Maki yours again" I can see Eri winking that prompted me to have a devilish grin. I get what she means, making Maki jealous so she can crawl back to me and beg me forgiveness for leaving me. Oh I'm getting excited.

"You two are such sly. Sigh. Oh well, since Nico-chan is getting dismissed at 10:00 AM; meet me at the rooftop okay? I'm going to organize a few little tips how to execute your plan."

"_Hey, Nico-chan?"_

"_Yeah?"_

"_Aren't you tired of having too much quarrel with me?"_

"_Nope, besides the fact that I love you too much to get tired, I think of our quarrel as a practice defense drills."_

"_You need to stop using your girlfriend like that…"_

"_Don't pout hahaha"_

**Same Day**

**09:55 AM**

Thinking about what I said about Maki 4 years ago just made my defense a lot better than expected. I don't know why but, ever since going to that lesbian bar makes me think of Maki whenever I do something. As if all actions are related to us. I immediately rushed to the rooftop upon finish the practice defense I had. (If you're wondering how my practice defense went, well its A++ ha! Ha! Ha!). Just by imagining Tsubasa and Honoka's plans to help me execute ways how to make Maki mine again is spine tingling. Though I know their plans would be half-crazy and half-assed, I don't mind at all. All I need is a couple of supports then I'm good to go. I didn't even have the chance to meet Maki coincidently yet, I'm obsessed to find answer and to make her mine, again. I don't know whether this is bad thing or not. But maybe, I'm just overthinking stuffs again. I really need to stop and get a hold of myself.

Upon arriving at the rooftop, I saw Honoka holding some black folder, in which I can obvious tell the content is a thick sheet of files. Is this files supposed to be the ways I can do to make Maki mine again? LOL this sums up my thoughts about how there's an infinite ways to everything. Seeing me on the rooftop, Honoka waves to me as I come closer to her.

"What's with the files?" I asked

"Oh this? This is the information of the ladies you will meet today~" Honoka said gleefully. Oh God, I have a bad feeling about this.

"Ladies I will meet? What for?"

"To be your new lover~" I'm having the urge to slap this person in front of me because of her silly ideas. But then again, if I do that then Tsubasa will declare World War III on me, ain't nobody got time for that war. Not when I'm busy gorgeous law student. Fighting the urge to slap Honoka right here, right now, I tried to think of the possibilities if I got myself a new lover. Since this might be that half-assed relationship I'm going to engage, might as well go with the flow. If I get to be lucky, I can make Maki jealous with this "relationship". That is if I decided to be one though. It's really hard to cope up being single and such.

"Sigh. Tell me the details."

"This isn't the typical commitment relationship, this is half-assed with purpose of solely making Maki realize that she still needs you in her life" she smiled wickedly.

"Wicked. Does everyone know about this?"

"Yep. Hanayo was the one who suggested it by the way. Erena-san offered her car for you to use every time you meet up with the candidates. This list of candidates was prepared with Kotori-chan, forgot to tell you she was pissed as hell when she met Maki again as if nothing happened. Tsubasa and I will accompany you every date you have, but were just going to observe 15 feet apart in the desired meet-up place."

"Since when did you become a love guru, Honoka?"

"Since the time Maki betrayed us for not remembering the promises we made. Well this half-assed date should be a way to cope up with your single life while thinking ways to make Maki yours again." I checked the list of the possible candidates and decided that I will only meet one of them every day, if that is possible. But, I wanted to narrow down the list of the ladies I needed to meet, I'm gun shy at dating plus I'm busy too. Maybe I'm getting awkward as a single lady. Scanning the whole files, one bio data captured my attention. She will be the perfect person. I hope she's into half-assed relationship.

"Hey. Honoka, this person, is she available today?"

"She's always available during lunch hour near Ikebukuro area"

"I want to meet her first."

"Okay then, I will contact her. Take this by the way, it's the car keys"

"I'll wait for you at the car then."

"I'll get Tsubasa then~"

**Same Day**

**10:11 AM**

**Inside Erena's Mazda 3**

"So you decided to meet up, Omura Shouko-san first eh? Good for you" Tsubasa said as I drove to the Project52 Restaurant that is near on Ikebukuro General Hospital. The Omura Shouko she mentioned was a graduate of nursing on Tokyo University, the very reason why she's the one I decided to meet up first. According to her bio data, she's currently a nursing aid at the hospital mentioned above, her free time is rather unpredictable as of the moment so if ever we decided to have a mutual agreement, meeting her up will be at odd times.

"By the way, is the restaurant we're dining expensive? I want to at least pay the bill for the two of us so yeah; if it's expensive I can go to the ATM first." I said

"Nope. You two will split the bill; she's a feminist you know. Lucky if she agreed on that half-assed relationship that you wanted" I was quiet surprised when the lady I will meet today is a feminist, rumor has it that when you engage yourself in a lesbian relationship with a feminist, it's the most enjoyable relationship you will ever have. Plus, you get to save a lot of money because you two split the bill in everything you do. But, I never really tried to get myself a feminist lover. Though I must say that I dated quite a lot before meeting Maki, it's not really the same with her. Again, this will be my first time doing such things. I wonder how many first times I will get to experience again now that I'm single.

It took us a good 20 minutes before we arrive at the said restaurant; I'm already familiarized with Omura Shouko-san's face so it won't be a problem at all tracking her. As for Tsubasa and Honoka, the two of them decided to dine in with me even though they have classes (well it's just a minor class so they say it won't affect their grades at all). Entering the premises, I immediately noticed the blonde haired woman sitting hear the air condition system. She has this cool demeanor and often looks at her wrist watch. At first glance, you will immediately guess that she's a nurse.

"Uhm Hi. I'm Yazawa Nico, the one that you will meet today" I began an introduction that seemed to have painted a smile on her face.

"Hi~ I'm Omura Shouko~" I sat on the chair in front of her so that we can formally introduce ourselves to each other. I'm getting a feeling that this will be a great time.

"Nice to meet you Omura-san, thank you for agreeing to have this pre-arranged date with me" I smiled

"Oh its fine, we seemed to have a mutual goal anyway. Half-assed relationship yes?"

"I guess my friend told you on the phone already. Well I won't deny it, I want half-assed relationship so I can make my ex crawl back to me" I smirked

"I have the same reason as yours." She giggled

"I'm currently coping up with my life as a single lady but at the same time I want ways how to capture her back to me. A friend said to me that this half-assed plan is on 1 of the 5 remaining possible ways how to get her. So yeah, if ever this plan fails, I still have 4 to go and by then, I think I will decide whether I will give up or not."

"Quite back story you got there. Mine's a little bit complicated though. Ex left me for another woman so I want revenge on her by showing that I got a "new" dashing girl with me, lowering her self-esteem and eventually begging me forgiveness and crawling back to me."

"Sigh. Women these days."

"Well I hope these plans of ours work"

"It will work."

The two of us ordered something as we get to know each other more. Apparently, she's a Russian too like Eri and is currently living alone here in Japan. I, too, gave some information about myself and regarding Maki. Out of the blue, she said that I looked familiar but then again, this is the first time we met each other so I don't know how it is possible. We had the time to eat our meals luxuriously without even uttering a single word; she said it was bad manners. The meals are surprisingly delicious even with cheap price (yes, it was cheaper than I expected). After the meal, we both agreed on certain terms regarding this half-assed relationship, both from different parties.

"One: No falling in love with each other" I said

"Two: No constant calling"

"Three: Mind your business"

"Four: Whenever we meet, you will help me execute my plan"

"Five: You will help me every free time you have"

"Lastly, after we get ourselves back with the exes, time to end this"

"Okay then"

We took at least 1 hour of each other's time before exiting the premises, since her terms include that I will help her whenever we meet, this applies starting today. With her arms linked, we walked towards the restaurant her ex was working. We acted nicely that even the people we pass thinks we're a couple, even though we are not. Reaching the street adjacent of the hospital she works at, I saw a familiar girl that I never imagined seeing while being like this. She seemed to notice us and tilted her head with her eyes wide open. It's been a while since the last time I saw her. Still beautiful, her hair grew long. I was about to utter the forbidden name when Omura-san beat me to it.

"Maki?"

"Shouko~ it's been a while~"

"Maki~ fancy meeting you here~" so they knew each other. What a turn of events indeed.

"Hi Nico" she said, I thought I was invisible to her that she didn't even noticed me. Guess I'm the only one who didn't manage to move one. Who am I kidding anyway; of course she has moved on already. I'm really an idiot for even thinking ways how to get her back.

"It's been a while, Maki. I never thought I will see you again after that messy break-up we had"

"Yeah… You must be happy now with your new girl eh?" she chuckled bitterly

"None of your business"

"Maki, don't tell me…" Omura-san didn't manage to finish her sentence when Maki suddenly butted in

"Yeah, she's the one in the photo I show you. The one that I told you… Never imagined she's yours now. I hope you two find great happiness. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm a busy woman" the moment I saw her dashing, I think I saw tears in her eyes. The tone of her voice seemed sarcastic too. Then it hit me, maybe she had a reason to end our relationship just like that, an unavoidable one perhaps. I need to find the right answers; I'm so done with being clueless.

"I'm sorry Omura-san; we need to end this…"

"Yeah. Go get her. No wonder you're familiar when I saw you. Hope the best for the both of you." I nodded then dashed to get a hold of her. Maybe this is the right time to ask her for certain things. Maybe this time, we can talk things out.

But it seems fate won't allow us to have a long talk for now, not when I lose track of her. I sighed then wiped out the sweats forming on forehead. I have come to this, and there's no way back. Now that one of the 5 possible remaining ways how to get Maki back just failed because of my stupidity and the spur of the moment, I guess this is the right time to execute "Operation: Courage". Since I will think of how to execute this plan, I need to end this entry now.

**XOXO,**

Love sick Nico


	4. Entry 3

**Entry #3: Sleepless Nights and the Clique's Night Out**

**01/30/2015**

**1:30 AM**

**NICO'S APARTMENT**

I know that I should be sleeping right now since I still have classes later at 10 AM, but for some reason I can sleeping knowing the stupidity I made the other day. Maki was on my sight yet I lost her. She's within my reach yet I can't reach her at all, if that makes sense. I got up on my bed to drink a glass of water then sat down on the computer chair. I think I needed some entertainment so I can finally shut my eyes. It's also been a while since I got updated with the lives of my much beloved idols. Though I seem to not look at it, butI'm actually an avid WOTA (Idol Otaku) in high school; it was once my hobbies that I have long forgotten to focus on my studies and to Maki even more, things I would do for love. Booting my computer on what seemed like a good ol' 5 minutes, I tried to think about the things I do on my high school sophomore days. Let's see, I think it was consist of: playing rhythm games featuring idols, playing AKB48's official PSP game, pirating AKB48's new single when I don't have enough money. Yeah, I think that's that.

"Now that everything is set, time to Google things…"

Setting up my newly found WOTA mode again, I opened multiple tabs in the browser, all of it consisting of search result of anything related to idols. Starting from the ALL48 Group (which consist of AKB48 and its sister groups) and Hello! Project Idols. Of course I didn't forget to search about the idol merchandises. Sigh. Being all pumped up because of the idols everywhere in Japan, reminds me of the time I shamelessly played with love. Now that I think of it, maybe Maki breaking up with me is one of the karmas I received for doing so. I was young and free once, except my friends and my family, I never really cared about the other people nor their feelings. That is the person I used to be, arrogant and self-centered.

"But then, she came… Sigh… I can't concentrate at all"

Coping up with my single life has gotten my concentration to fade away since last month. I used to be so calm every single day; whether I'm at school, or with Maki. But every necessary piece of me seemed to have shattered the moment Maki left. She entered my life when I was a total wreck, then she left my life and I was a total wreck again, but this time even far worse than I used to be. All the necessary qualities a lawyer should have that I once had, is nowhere to be found now. It's even a miracle why I passed all of my exams and activities while being this wrecked. I can't understand the purpose the driven in my life now.

"Thinking has made me uninterested with my current activity now… What to do... I still can't sleep…"

I was about to turn off my computer since I lost all of my motivation to do anything when suddenly, I remembered the internet radio that Anju once mentioned to me. Apparently, that internet radio station helped think of a way to say sorry to Erena when the two of them had this big quarrel, on the verge of breaking up. You can also send your personal love problems there and the DJ will give you an advice then afterwards play a music that fits your letter, mostly break-up related songs. I wonder if someone has the same problem as me, being love sick and all while coping up with being single. Wait; is it even possible for that in the first place?

Entering the website, it's like a board like 4chan with the difference that it has shout cast and stream being used. Friendly website in my opinion, with the topic by topic threads and organized moderation process. Scanning the whole web page, I navigated the "Broken Hearts" Forum. At the top of that particular forum page lays a live streamed internet radio segment with DJ Wingman on air. So this must be the segment where broken hearted people listen. Clicking the play button, I decided to listen to the segment for a little while.

**[Good morning BHs~ Yes, BH, short for broken hearted~ How y'all been? This is once again DJ Wingman bringing you the Broken Hearts segment of Honki Honk Radio~]**

"The radio name itself is pretty interesting" I chuckled

**[Today, I got these tons of email about their recent broken hearted by I picked only a few since you know, limited time and all~ haha~ but I swear~ I'm trying to reply the message one by one if I have the time to. So yeah, moving on, this first letter I'm going to read is about the broken story of a college student~]**

"Ooh~ Interesting~"

**[Dear Mr. Wingman, today, I just saw my ex-girlfriend with another woman. Yes, I'm a lesbian and was in a lesbian relationship. I'm the one who called it quits so I know I don't have the right to be jealous and all. But that's exactly the case; I'm jealous and was hurt to see her with another. I still love her, but I want her to be happy with someone else who is not me. Because I know I will only hurt her whatever happens. She deserves so much more, much more than what I am.]**

"This scenario is kinda familiar…"

**[Dear Ms. Anon, I, DJ Wingman, am not a love guru myself, but please let me give you an advice. I don't know the whole story of why did the two of you broke up but, if you love her, then you wouldn't let her go in the first place. If you broke up with her solely because you think you're not good enough, then you don't know the meaning of improvement. If you broke up with because you didn't want to hurt, then you already did by doing so. Should you have the chance to have her again, don't ever let her go.]**

"No wonder Anju and Erena likes this internet radio so much. Even without you writing a letter to them, you'll eventually relate to the every letter other readers have sent…"

**[And now~ to accompany the letter, here's a love song picked by yours truly~]**

The DJ picked a song that seemed to make cry for some reason, and by every word the song is uttering, I remember the happy times me and Maki has shared.

**I hear you're taking the town again**

**Havin' a good time with all your good-time friends**

**I don't think that you think of me**

**You're on your own now and I'm alone and free**

"_Nico-chan?"_

"_Hmm? What is it Maki?"_

"_Don't stop leave me, okay?"_

"_I won't… I promise"_

"_I love you"_

**I know that I should get on with my life**

**But a life lived without you could never be right**

"_If I didn't come into your life, what would you be doing now Nico-chan?"_

"_I don't know, I didn't even tried to imagine a life without you"_

"_Cheesy"_

"_Only for you"_

**As long as the stars**

**Shine down from the Heavens**

**Long as the rivers run to the sea**

**I'll never get over, you getting over me**

"_Why do you love me, Nico-chan?"_

"_I love you because you are you, just being Nishikino Maki"_

**I try to smile so the hurt won't show**

**Tell everybody, I was glad to see you go**

**But the tears just won't go away**

**Loneliness found me, looks like it's here to stay**

"I know that I oughta find someone new, but all I find is myself always thinking of you… Maki…" I regretted remembering everything related to us for the umpteenth time. I know this would happen yet, I was a fool for even remembering it. Now, I don't even know what to do with these tears that have been staining my face. I'm really an idiot.

**SAME DAY**

**11:40 AM**

In the end, I didn't manage to get some sleep (my skin is so not going to like this) because of Maki. Yeah, I just confirmed all over again that I'm just love sick over her. I'm writing this whole alone diaries as a way of coping up being a single yet, this thing is definitely pointless with me still not getting over Maki. Sigh. I even remembered writing a New Year's Resolution about coping up and moving on with my life. God knows how many times I went to different shrines just to pray to successfully move on with my life. But, I guess there is no Nico without Maki. Same like, no smoke without fire, if that makes sense.

I stood up from my bed groggily when I heard someone knocking on my door. Barely opening my eyes, I opened the door and saw Tsubasa and Honoka on my doorsteps with a box of cupcake. I take that they are here to scold me for ruining my perfect attendance. Come to think of it, I think I heard my phone ringing for the umpteenth time, but that I am not so sure. Letting them enter in my apartment, we sat in a chair and they seemed to be staring at me with shinigami eyes. Oh boy. I should get ready for the scolds and such.

_It's so tense and silent here…_

"Nico-chan…" Honoka was the one who broke the ice

"Y-Yeah?"

"If you think we came here to scold you, you're wrong…"

"Eh?" I replied, being puzzled and all

"For starters, be glad that your perfect attendance won't be stained at all since the Law Department suspended all of their classes for the day" Tsubasa smiled

"Amazing then… so yeah, what's up?" I asked

"Actually, Rin asked for a night out between us, the Love Live Clique. We tried inviting Maki but yeah, she didn't pick up her phone. So Erena suggested that we use this chance to talk about your current state. Make plans for you to cope up with your single life." Honoka explained

"That would be nice then"

"Nico-chan, let me be honest with you. It's time for you to move on and forget about Maki. You two broke up not because you have changed, it's Maki who changed. Can't you see you're a total wreck because of her? It's a good thing your grades didn't went low with a blow 'cause of her. Else we would've wrecked her with wrecking ball right now."

"Honey, calm down"

"I can't calm down Tsubasa just by thinking how Maki broke Nico-chan into pieces. If something happened then she should've said it…"

"Tsubasa, it's okay. Your babe has a point. I know that y'all cared for me and I'm so thankful for that."

"Nico-chan…"

"Nico…"

"So Honoka, tell me when this night out be?" I asked, obviously faking a smile

"Tomorrow night at Shibuya District Bar"

"I see. Count me in then. It's been a while since all of us got together to drink some booze. I've been missing our jams too."

"Yeah. But this time, it's not all about the booze Nico, this time it's all about you"

"Tsubasa is right~"

"Yeah Yeah. I get it"

"So yeah, the two of us will head out now~"

"G'bye"

I've been in an endless loop ever since Maki left me. A loop where all I ended up is being lonely and broken, then the cycle continues. I still don't have plans how to make Maki mine again, and I'm not so sure if I can come up with another plan. Maybe fate doesn't really want us to be together, or I'm just being a pessimist that's trying to get out of the problem. I don't know what plans my friends have for me tomorrow night but, I get a feeling that I will enjoy it to the fullest. For now, I need to get my eyes shut again knowing there's no classes today so I will end this entry right here.

**XOXO,**

Soon-to-be a fully single woman Nico


End file.
